So senseless. When will they ever learn?
No more fighting!
I said, no more fighting!
What's wrong with you people? Enough already!
- You're either with us or against us! - I'm not with anybody!
- But I am against fighting. - Then you must be a coward!
Actually, I'm Hercules.
Now, that's what I call being a coward.
Well, my friend, when you wake up,
you are gonna have one, big headache.
Good afternoon.
- Are you still here? - Just wanted to make sure you woke up.
You got hit pretty hard back there.
Ah, feels like somebody dropped the Parthenon on my head.
- Here have some water. - Who are you, really?
I already told you.
Nobody stays impartial in this war, especially not Hercules.
He always helps the Spartans.
I only help those who need help and are worthy of it.
Yeah, right.
Come on. We gotta get you someplace
to have somebody look at those wounds.
What do you mean, 'We'?
Wanna ask me that again?
I didn't think so. Now where are we going?
- Propontus. - Ah, that's a half-day's walk.
- Think you can make it? - I can make it.
Good. Have a name?
- Damon - Well, Damon, let's be on our way.
I'm comin' back here. You can count on that.
Ah, that's nice. How about that one? That one.
When I find that Elean that blindsided me
I'm gonna tear his lungs out.
- Ooh, feeling pain, Son? - What are you starin' at?
I don't need your sympathy! No Spartan does.
Right, I forgot.
You can stop pretending you're Hercules, now.
This is it. My aunt should be here.
She's sort of a homebody.
Why don't you stay put? I'll see if she's here.
Hello? Hello, is anybody home?
Huh, place seems deserted.
Whoo, hey! Hey! Hey!
- Hey, Herc? - Atalanta?
- Lookin' good! - Thanks.
- Whatcha been doin'? - Oh, I'm just, uh, hangin' around.
- How's your mom? - Atalanta?
Yeah? Hera been givin' you a hard time?
- At-Atalanta. - What?
Could you, uh, put me down, please?
- Oh, sorry. - Thank you.
- Yeah. - You're an aunt?
This is the story of a time long ago.
A time of myth and legend,
when the ancient gods were petty and cruel,
and they plagued mankind with suffering.
Only one man dared to challenge their power-Hercules.
Hercules possessed a strength the world had never seen,
a strength surpassed only by the power of his heart.
He journeyed the earth, battling the minions of wicked stepmother, Hera,
the all-powerful queen of the gods.
But wherever there was evil, wherever an innocent would suffer,
there would be Hercules.
- What'd he try to do? - You don't want any part of him, Damon.
- This is Hercules. - He-he told me the same lie.
Oh, he wasn't lyin'. We're old friends.
- It's hard to believe, isn't it? - Oh, I feel stu--
- Damon! - He got hit hard enough
to loosen his teeth, but he'll survive.
- It was the Eleans again, wasn't it? - Yeah.
Foolish kid. Better get him to bed.
- Here let me give ya a hand. - Uh-uh, that's my department.
But stick around. We need to talk.
Hmm, I know better than to argue with you...
...Aunt Atalanta.
'Aunt'.
What's so funny?
As soon as Damon hit the bed, he started talkin' in his sleep.
He kept saying, 'I can't believe it's Hercules!'
I'm glad he took your word for it.
- He sure wasn't gonna take mine. - To tell ya the truth,
he usually doesn't put that much stock in what I say.
See, he thinks his aunt leads a dull life.
- Do you agree? - Yeah, I'm afraid so.
My life has been as boring as cold porridge since I came here.
That doesn't sound like you.
Come to think of it, this doesn't look like you, either.
Afraid I haven't been much in the mood
to wear leather since Damon's mother died.
I thought he needed someone to take care of him,
- so I moved here. - His father die, too?
Yeah. My older brother another Spartan gone to the other side.
Every time I visit his grave, I can't help but think Damon's
bound and determined to wind up right there next to him.
Not all warriors die.
But Damon doesn't care about anything except fighting.
It's not just his father's death he's trying to avenge.
It's the death of every Spartan who ever fell on a battlefield.
- Someone's gotta stop this war. - A lot of good men have tried.
But always by fighting. I'm talkin' about something else.
I agree. There has to be a better way.
Maybe you're the one who can find it.
I don't care if it was Hercules! Which of you ran first?
Nobody ran is that what your silence is saying?
Then you're a pack of spineless liars.
Tell me who it was, or you'll all pay for his cowardice.
- It was him! - Blow it out your ear!
- Easy to talk tough now! - You're crazy!
You saw him, didn't you, Brontus?
He ran like a rabbit as soon as he heard Hercules' name.
It wasn't me! No, Tarkon, it wasn't me. I-I swear it wasn't.
- He's a liar! - No!
There, that's how cowards are dealt with in the Elean army.
As for those who betray their comrades' secrets
no matter how terrible they die, too.
The rest of you should learn to keep your own counsel
the way Brontus did.
From this moment forward everything you do
everything must be about pleasing Ares.
The god of war was angered by your failure today.
There's only one way to appease that anger by killing Hercules.
Two dinars? For a handful of barley and a stinkin' chicken?
The only thing that stinks around here is you, ya old hag!
Oh, 'hag', am I? Just because I won't let you steal me blind!
- Hag! - Thief! What do you want me to do?
Eat my children?
Hey! Break it up! Break it up!
- Mind your own business! - What's wrong with you people?
Is that all this village does is fight? Why don't you talk about it,
instead of beating each other senseless?
You're not listening to me!
Yes I am! And I'm better than you!
- You are not! - I am so!
I'll prove it!
I'll race you to that big tree over there.
And then you'll see that I'm faster than you.
Come on! I'll even let you say when.
OK. Ready. Set. Go!
- We tied! - That's it.
Races? Like, you and me running to see who's fastest?
Right, but there could be more events than that.
You could throw the javelin or the discus,
and how about some kind jumping contest?
- Nobody gets killed. - No, it's speed
and strength that determines the best warriors, not swords.
I think that sounds great, Hercules.
How'd you ever come up with an idea like that?
I saw two kids who were smart enough to realize
that they didn't have to fight to decide who was faster.
- They raced. - Kids?
Don't knock 'em, Damon. You're still one, yourself.
- That's not what the Spartans say. - Oh, right,
you're a Spartan, but you're a young one.
- I don't want listen to this! - Try. It might save your life.
I'm not afraid of dying.
Not many warriors are until they're actually doing it.
But you can postpone the experience
if you do what I'm talking about.
I think he's afraid of being tested physically.
- What do you think? - It's a possibility.
Hey, what do you want me to do? Just name it anything at all?
Anything?
I can't arm-wrestle you. You're my aunt.
Sit.
Hercules, will you talk some sense into her?
She's gotta realize that no mere woman can beat a Spartan.
- Ah, good luck. - Sit down.
- This is crazy. - You ready?
Just one second.
Aunt Atalanta?
Put your eyes back in your head and listen to me.
If I beat you, you're gonna quit acting like
you've got a death wish and you're gonna compete
in these games Hercules thought up.
Can you live with that? Well, Damon, can you?
Uh, Damon?
Uh, sss, you want it? You got it.
All right.
- You both ready? - Say when.
'When.'
How'd you do that?
Didn't spend all those years as a blacksmith for nothin'.
Now, about Hercules' idea.
Ah, sure, just as long as I get to race you sometime.
Is there a place around here for that?
Yeah. Let me show ya. Come on. Oh, uh, Damon?
Don't worry about it. I even beat Hercules once.
Of course, I did have to use more than my arm.
I, uh, I'll explain that to you later.
I really don't like this man we're going to see.
Maybe I should have come here by myself.
- No, it's not that. He's just so strange. - Strange?
Well, let me put it this way. He keeps tryin' to look up my skirt.
- What's so strange about that? - Hercules!
It's... it's a joke! It's a joke!
Don't you start with me! Gosh!
- Hey, Psoriasis, are you home? - Psoriasis?
- Who is it? - Wait until you see it's Atalanta.
Oh, yes! Coming, my dear, coming. Ah, oh, what a mess!
Where'd that rock come from? Be right there!
Salmoneus?
Someone might be watching! Come on! Come on!
Come on. Come on. I can explain everything. Trust me.
Ah, trust isn't something you inspire, Salmoneus.
Yeah, be that as it may, an alias is sometimes
- necessary in my line of work. - He's a travelling salesman.
- I knew I couldn't trust him. - I'm so misunderstood!
In matters of the heart,
I am loyal, dependable and very inventive.
And may I say, you've never looked lovelier, my dear?
Why don't we just stick to business?
Business?
Well, I was on the Argean Peninsula,
conductng games of chance, you know, the shell game?
And the locals couldn't find
the shell with the pea under it repeatedly.
They thought I was tryin' to cheat them.
- Imagine that. - They didn't just run me out of town.
They're still looking for me, which is why
I'm hiding here on my brother-in-law's estate.
W-wait, the same brother-in-law who ran that den of inequity?
You remembered him? He'd be flattered.
- He shouldn't be. - Look, Psoriasis.
- Salmoneus. - Whatever.
Why don't you just show Hercules the place?
- What place? - Open field.
- He wants to put it to good use. - Oh, that place! My pleasure.
Did I mention that your golden gorgeousness
makes my teeth hurt?
He never quits.
This is perfect,'mean, for running and jumping
throwing the discus and the javelin.
Huh, I can't believe no one's ever found a use
for such a beautiful place.
The gods probably thought this would never be anything
- except a battlefield. - It's very inspiring, huh?
Yeah.
Now, if there's a way to make a dinar here, I'm all for it.
I'm sorry, Salmoneus. This is a strictly nonprofit event.
Nonprofit? Nonpr-- uh, uh, excuse me.
No, no, no, I-I think I deserve to have a return
for my labor invested? Don't you agree?
Uh-uh, I'm not part of anybody's bargain.
Just a thought.
What do you think we should call these games?
Give me a moment. 'The Samoneus Games'!
No, no, we can't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I've got those sore losers back there after me.
No. No, no.
We should call it we should call it...
...the Olympics.
It's majestic. It's-it's evocative.
It's... it's Olympian, unless this brings up your family troubles.
No. I like it. 'The Olympics.'
I can't believe you were finally good for somethin'.
Oh, I'm good for so many things.
Ah, now that we've got something to offer them,
I better go find out what the Spartans and Eleans think of it.
Salmoneus? Don't do anything
that'll make Atalanta hurt you, OK?
Hmm, I should be so lucky.
It's our way of life that Hercules is threatening.
We'll spill no more blood unless we do something soon.
- Soon, yeah, but not before we-- - Tarkon.
Our scouts tell us that Hercules is still in Propontus.
They better know why he's staying,
or they aren't doing us much good.
- There's talk of a woman. - Then he's distracted.
We should appeal to Ares for a weapon
that'll finish Hercules once and for all.
No. I don't want the god of war thinking
we can't take care of business by ourselves.
I'm not afraid of Hercules.
Even when those with me were running away,
I stayed to strike one last blow against the Spartans.
You were the last man back here. I'll grant you that.
- And I'll be the first to attack 'em. - The first of many.
Brontus, find out what Hercules is up to.
Come.
- Hello, Taphius. - Been a long time, Hercules.
The battle of Dardania, if memory serves me.
- And I have the scars to prove it. - See, Hercules?
That's how I want to live, the hot
blood of combat surging through my veins.
Sometimes, a man's only choice is to fight.
That doesn't mean he should make a living out of it.
- He's right, Damon. - What about all the times
you said that you wish you were a young warrior, again?
It was my youth I wanted back! Not the battles I spent it on.
- I could never believe that. - Well, you should.
Now, what's this proposition he's talkin' about?
- The Olympics. - Olympics?
Games, simple sporting events, uh, a running race,
contests for jumping and throwing the discus
and the javelin, and to make sure that
young Damon doesn't get bored a boxing match.
A warrior would always be ready to fight
- if he trained to do those things. - Uh, yes,
and it might help slow down the fighting even stop it.
- I hope I live to see the day. - Have you been to see Tarkon, yet?
- He's next on my list. - Let me go with you, Hercules.
- I can help you convince him. - I don't think so, Damon.
I want Tarkon to come to the Olympics in one piece.
You should slow down, my heart's delight!
- I have so much to contribute! - Yeah, it's certainly not muscle.
Ha-ha! Ya got me there.
But I have a beautiful mind and a fertile one, too!
- OK, thrill me. - Here.
You're time's almost up, Phlebitis.
Salmoneus. Give me a moment. Give me a moment.
I know what the Olympics need! Prizes!
Ya gotta give the winners a reward something
to hold on to something to put on their mantelpiece
something to pass to their golden-haired children.
They need it's too bad I don't have that treasure trove.
That would've been perfect I mean, top-of-the-line stuff.
- Trinkets don't impress me. - They don't?
If you ask me I think a wreath of olive branches
is all we need for each winner.
- I could do olive wreaths! - Prove it.
The best place to strike would be here where the
- tree-line provides natural-- - Tarkon!
- I said, 'No interruptions!' - But he's here!
- Who's here? - Hercules!
In our camp? And no one alerted us?
What were our guards doing?
Well, that's the problem!
How d'ya get out of this thing?
I, uh, tried to tell 'em I was just here
to talk, but they didn't wanna believe me.
They have no reason to trust you, Hercules.
You fought for the Spartans more than once.
Do you see any Spartans with me now?
Maybe you think you don't need any.
I've come to ask you and your men to compete
- in the Olympic Games. - Games?
- Yes. - The son of Zeus wants us to play games?
- Glad I could cheer you up. - You want games, Hercules?
One hundred dinars to the man who brings me his head!
That... was... cheap.
What's wrong with you? I said, 'Kill him!'
- Your turn, Tarkon. - What are you gonna do?
What I came here to do invite you to the Olympics.
We'll see you tomorrow in Propontus. High noon.
Unless, of course, you're afraid of a little athletic competition.
This'll be your final game, Hercules.
How does it look?
Hmm, not as good as it's gonna look on a champion.
And you better have more than one of them.
Have no fear, radiant Atalanta.
My motto is, 'Ta every victor, an olive wreath.'
Good work, Salmoneus. I better start keeping you closer to me.
- You mean it? - Yeah, absolutely.
Look, my nephew and his friends are going on
a little outing with me? Why don't cha come along?
Lead the way, golden muse. Lead the way.
All right, hang on. Come on.
- We're gettin' there. - Wait a second. Wait a second.
Wait, wait a s... wait a second! Hey. Stay there!
Don't move! Wait a second! Wait! Hold!
Salmoneus working? Must be love.
Wait a sec... Wait! Wait a sec...
See, I don't think these poles are gonna work.
I have a better idea. Wh... heyyyyy! Heyyyyy!
It's no problem! I'll be right out!
Let me just find the exit for a moment.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
Wait, it's around here, somewhere. Wait a second.
- Come on, Gingivitis. - I really didn't need any help.
But thank you, my beautiful, golden... Hercules?
- Is everything all right, Salmoneus? - What makes you think it's not?
How'd it go with the Eleans?
Well, it wasn't easy, but, they'll be here.
Yeah, they'll be getting a different kind of beating than
- they've been used to. - Damon, you better go
tell Taphius we're gonna have some company.
- Hey, we're not finished here, yet. - No, no. Don't worry.
Don't worry. I'll help. It's all right. Go on.
So where would you like me to start?
Is that a trick question?
Hey! Hey! This is how you're helping?
I come to you, not in shame,
oh, mighty Ares, for we have served you well.
The blood we have spilled has nourished your crusade
to bring war to every corner of the Earth!
And never have we asked for help or adulation!
But the time at hand calls for special measures.
Hercules is close by.
Hercules, who stands between you and domination.
Hercules, who can be defeated, only if you intervene
with the power that you, and you alone, can provide!
Ares, I beseech you help us kill Hercules!
Help preserve a way of life that is devoted to war!
Yes!
- Is Ares still with us? - Yes, indeed. So, drink.
Those of you who have marched with me
the longest come drink. And you will be strong again!
Behold, the power of Ares.
I've never seen anything like them.
Tomorrow morning, they'll be killing while you're playing.
The birth of the Olympics will be the death of Hercules.
Help! Whoa! Herc!
- Remember us? - Let him talk.
But if you do it too loudly I'll gut you like a fish.
How you doin, fellas? Everything all right on
- the Argean Peninsula? - Everything except our finances!
Oh, that.
Hey! Get your filthy paws off him.
But he cheated us out of our money!
- Did you? - The odds are always with the house.
- Salmoneus. - I didn't cheat them, exactly.
I mean, it's called, 'The shell game', you know?
Give it back to them. Now!
Only because you're beautiful when you're angry.
- Everything there? - Yeah.
Good. Now, go back where you came from.
I've got no use for anyone who pulls a knife on people.
Scat!
You saved my life!
Yeah, you're gonna make me regret it, aren't you?
Please, let me repay you with a kiss.
Guess again.
I love that woman!
- You don't have to sleep here. - Huh.
- Hi, how are you? - Did you hear what I said?
Oh, yes, but this is as good a place as any for me
- to spend the night. - Better than with me?
Give it a chance, Hercules. You might enjoy yourself.
What? Yeah, yeah. But, you know? I...
Come on. What do you say?
It's... you know, I just, um, you know...
you know, it's just doesn't seem right. Wait a second.
Oooh, Hercules.
I'm, uh, I'm hoping for the best with these games,
but, you never know until you know. You know?
Afraid I do. But my offer still stands.
- I, I-I-I hope I didn't insult you. - How could you?
You're so cute when you're nervous.
- Good night. - Good night, Hercules.
What is wrong with you?
Why can't just one beautiful woman want me?
Hercules needs a more spiritual-type woman.
I can use a lot a raw physicality to get me outta my head.
I'd massage her with scented oils.
I'd pay attention to her beautiful sh--
Hey! Hey! What do you thi--
Ah, you here for the javelin spotting? I see.
It's been very nice it... it short but nasty.
Oh, this is gonna be good.
Salmoneus.
We need to find a symbol for these games.
I agree.
Hey! Red hots! Get your red hots, right here!
Not you again. Do you have a home?
Do your taste buds a favor, buddy. Sink your teeth into a red hot.
- Eh, it kinda looks like-- - Never mind what it looks like.
- What is it? - A hot dog.
- Dog? - Uh, not necessarily. Eh, come on.
Try one. You might like it. Little mustard. Some relish?
- Noooo, thanks. - Got your curiosity up, didn't I?
Perhaps you'd like your dog with a...
- a little sauerkraut, hmm? - Eh, Not necessarily.
Actually, I'm more interested in your torch, there.
- That's not a torch. - Use your imagination.
Thank you.
Ladies and gentlemen! Could I have your attention, please?
Welcome to the first Olympics.
I hope you discover the spirit of the games, that there
are other ways for men to compete than on the battlefields.
I salute the Spartans for being brave enough
to set aside their weapons and participate in these events.
And equally to the Eleans who had
the courage to honor us, by doing the same.
We're about to find out who is the best among them
in five different athletic events.
So good luck to everybody. And now--
Wait a minute! Hold it! Hold it!
We can't start without the Olympic torch.
- Yeah. - What?
Ah, what do you mean, it Olympic torch?
Wait till you see it.
Now as you were saying, Hercules?
The Olympic torch. Good idea, Salmoneus.
Let the games begin!
22, 21, 20, 19, 18...
A hundred seventeen and 6!
Beat that.
No problem.
Dead even!
Ho! It's a tie! It's a tie!
Unless Hercules wants to step in, and...?
- No, that's not why I'm here. - Then I guess it's up to me.
No woman's got any business in the Olympics.
The Olympics are open to anybody.
- You ready, Atalanta? - I was born ready.
127 and one-quarter!
- Good enough for you? - Ah, yes.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have our first Olympic champion.
The winner in the javelin throw, Atalanta!
What a woman.
And I owe it all to clean living!
All right! On to our next event, the footrace!
It's in the dell!
- You going to try your luck? - Do you need to ask?
Probably not.
I-I don't believe it. Who is she?
- She's my aunt. - Really?
If all your women are that strong, it's no wonder
we had such a hard time fighting you Spartans.
- Don't go soft on me, Brontus. - I'm not. I'm not. It's just...
- Just what? - Everybody seems to be getting on fine.
Maybe we should try and work it out.
Shut up. Everything's gonna go exactly as I planned it.
Or else, it's not just my wrath you'll feel. It's Ares!
Hey, Hercules.
I didn't get a chance to thank you back there.
- For what? - For not caving in when that
Elean warrior wanted to make this 'Boys only'.
Ahh, it wouldn't have been right if we had done
the Olympics that way. I was just trying to be fair.
Well, not every man would have and I appreciate that.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
The first runner, to reach Salmoneus, is, the winner!
- Right here! - Try not to let that scare you.
Only thing I'm scared of is beating this guy
- so bad that he quits. - In your dreams.
Hey, you're both gonna eat my dust.
Hey, it sounds to me like everybody's ready.
Runners? Take your places at the starting line.
Are you sure you don't want to join us, Hercules?
Aah, that's all right, thank you.
OK! On your marks! Get set!
Go!
- What the...? - A little surpirise for you, Hercules.
Hercules!
- Mesomorphs. - Ares sent them especially for you.
Eleans, attack!
We'll take care of things on this end, Hercules!
- You really are fast, aren't you? - Only as fast as I have to be.
Don't get nasty with my friends!
You're a walking hairball!
So, you got what you wanted! Didn't you?
Tarkon did. I didn't. All I wanted was to do
is apologize for hitting you when your head was turned.
Duck!
Do you believe me now?
Yes, I do, friend.
Be careful! He's got something the got out!
Hercules! Hercules! What can I do for ya, please?
- Get the torch! - What?
Get the torch!
The torch! Right!
Hercules! The torch!
Come on! Get up! Up!
Let's go! Come on!
- Hercules? Where you going? - Hey, the fight's back here!
But the way to win it is over here!
Now where were we, before we were so rudely interrupted?
- We had a race to finish. - And three events after that.
And none of this could have continued without Hercules.
Yes. Yes. What you did today it was... it wa... it was 'Herculean'.
Why don't we call it 'Olympian' instead?
Either way, it gets you a kiss, big guy.
You see how Spartan women are?
You're gonna like it around here.
Aw, you weren't so bad, either.
Now which way was that starting line?
That is what I call 'Olympian'.
Captioned by Grantman Brown